“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.” (Proverbs 21:9)
As my sister in the Body of Christ, though the Word of God should motivate you to press for the mark for the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus, “if so be that the Spirit of God dwells in you (Romans 8:9),” I make demands upon neither your level of maturity (Hebrews 5:15) nor your love quotient (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). However, when you say you want to be a bride, then the Word of God judges your worthiness to be so. Do you qualify?
“There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1) Period. There is no condemnation to them which have been abused sexually as children, stalked, raped, maimed, disfigured, addicted to drugs, prostituted, or oppressed in any way, shape, or form. Hallelujah! You are, most assuredly according to 2 Corinthians 5:17, a new creation in Christ. Praise our Most Merciful Father who art in Heaven. [I capitalize Heaven because, since God resides there and He is the preeminent Creator of all things (John 1:3, Colossians 1:16), Heaven is, in my heart, mind, and soul, a “proper” noun.] Hallelujah!
Now, we know that sanctification is a process through which we must (Imperative - no “other” way) press toward the mark (Philippians 3:11-21) diligently, with great zeal and fervor (the fervent heat mentioned in 2 Peter 3:10) as opposed to a luke-warm temperature (Revelation 3:15-16). If we are not actively killing sin, sin is actively killing us. We can have multiple doctorate degrees in psychology, theology, Christian counseling, law, or medicine and be light years away from deliverance from the pain left behind as a residue from our past experiences.
Therefore, though we can dress you in Versace and parade you down the runway of life looking quite fabulous and you, through practice and rehearsal, have perfected the mechanics of praise, worship, and even, to a degree, ministry, your pain is showing and your attitudes, lack of patience, inability to trust, and rebellious self-reliance, greatly hinder and short-circuit your chances of experiencing the abundant life paid for by Christ upon the Cross. How then, are you qualified to be a help meet for any man of God? How then, shall you have peace in your home? How then, shall peace, like a river, attend your way? How, then, shall you be able to cease being a brawling woman in a wide house?
Please, learn. Please accept the fact that you do not have all the answers. Please let go of the rebellious notion that you are able to experience deliverance without the proper instruction and wise counsel. As James Brown so eloquently sang, “Please, please, please.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKNCySAvY5Y Imagine that God, rather than James Brown, is singing this song to you, Beloved of God. Also, I cannot recommend enough that you read and follow the “steps” outlined in the Books of Pastor Larry Low; first of all http://www.amazon.com/Eight-Steps-Inner-Peace-Low/dp/1466365706 then http://www.amazon.com/Genuine-Christianity-L-F-Low/dp/1589824830 and finally http://www.amazon.com/Your-Pain-Showing-Attitudes/dp/1452857024 Please, please, please do this “work” before spending even one more minute considering marriage. Be sober, be vigilant, and be ready before you say “I do.” This will save not only you, but also any men with whom you become emotionally entangled prematurely, much time and energy that would be, could be, and should be invested rather more profitably in seeking first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33). Beware the flesh. The flesh should be disciplined to wait upon the Lord to renew strength (Isaiah 40:31) before entertaining the lusts thereof (1 John 2:16).
I don’t expect many to say amen regarding this. And, please, understand that I am just talking about what I am talking about and not directing this toward any individual or group. If the Word of God convicts and the shoe fits, then “despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.” (Proverbs 3:11-12) Hallelujah! Don’t shoot the messenger who loves you enough to risk hurting your delicate feelings. Trust God! Evict that foul spirit and his lies! "Crack that whip! Give the pass a slip. Now whip it - into shape. Get straight. Go forward. Move ahead. Try to detect it. It's not too late - to whip it - whip it good." (Devo, 1980)
Let us pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)